O me of little faith...

I am floored and humbled.
A scholarship was offered through our church.
There were 6 students chosen, and I was one of them.
I'm still pinching myself.

They were to choose the recipients by July 1, and I hadn't heard a thing.
I was thinking I had totally missed God, and I was questioning why in the world I was stressing so much to raise tuition and compete with teenagers, etc. etc.
I told my DH I should just save my money and put that time and energy toward working on my art.

After months and months of hoop-jumping and essay-writing to apply for long shots, I thought this was my chance at actually getting a break.
I wasn't just a no-name 40-something reaching for a pie in the sky - these people know me!

I guess I had subconsciously put out a fleece - thinking if I got the scholarship, then I would know I was still on the right track.
If I didn't, I would stop trying so hard for awhile and see where God led.
So - when I thought I didn't get it, I was crushed.
Discouraged doesn't begin to describe how I felt.
Disillusioned would be a better fit.

Then - yesterday my bulletin was in my way during the service and
when I went to move it my name caught my eye.
I was one of the six.
I quietly showed my DH and my sister (who was visiting from out-of-state) and I didn't hear any more of the sermon after that.
There it was in black and white.
I had to keep reading it to make sure I wasn't seeing things.

In that moment, I repented for doubting God.
Even if I hadn't gotten the scholarship, I wasn't trusting Him to understand my heart.
I let disappointment distract me from what I have experienced to be true.
God has my back.
He didn't call me just to turn His back and let me fail.
He has a vested interest in this journey.
My going back to school was His idea, not mine.

The cherry on top? My sister wrote my letter of recommendation for the scholarship and she was here to share in the excitement of my award.
Above and beyond.
That's His way.

I am still so far from where I would like to be!
I wish I could say that it was a momentary lapse in judgment. Unfortunately, I fall into this trap quite often. Fear wraps its tentacles around my heart and I panic, doubting everything I know to be true.
I am constantly going to the throne begging Him, "Heal my unbelief!"